Reiki Precepts

Just for today, do not worry.
Just for today, do not anger.
Honor your parents, teachers, and elders.
Earn your living honestly.
Show gratitude to every living thing.

Dear Grandpa

Dear Grandpa,
I went home to visit the family recently. I know you were there. Walking around the house, I can still feel your presence everywhere. I couldn't wait for a chance to sneak off alone downstairs to see your chair. To anyone outside of the family that chair must look so out of place. Grandma's clean, pristine house and your old beat up, brown leather chair. I wonder how many times grandma may have tried to coax you into getting a new one. I just had to sit in it. Sitting in your chair remembering you. Feeling your greatness. The wonderful man you were. Some loved you, while others couldn't see past the grouchy old man you grew to be. Grandma has a framed picture of you on the entertainment center. You're about 10 years old, standing there tall and proud, at your fathers right hand. Also pictured is your mother, younger brother and 2 sisters. As I ask Grandma about the picture, I notice in great detail many things about the picture and your demeanor. I see your position in the family. Your mother is beautiful (and plump, though Grandma denies that). Grandma told me of the great, undying love you had for your mother and how she died when you were only 12. Your father took to the bottle after your mothers death was allowing the family to fall to pieces. He tried to send your sisters off and put you boys to work. But you, at age 12 stood firm on keeping your family together. You said "we'll suffer together". That's my grandpa!

I feel flooded with emotions. I've been spoiled. Grandpa, coming back to this place at 33 years of age, I found love. I feel so loved. I was blind to it before, probably because I was a spoiled brat. But, it's there. How could I have not seen it, felt it? You took me in with dad. You wouldn't have had it any other way. We belonged to you. I know now this stems from your childhood. I asked you so many times about your childhood, your past. You always said "the past is the past, you think about the future, kid".

Our family is like dysfunction 101. We fight, yell, scream and laugh (mostly at eachother). Yet, there is a deep rooted love that runs through each of us and somehow binds us. Grandma's eyes were filled with tears of joy to have us all over for dinner. Even dad! You should have seen his eyes light up. He was so full of pride standing behind that camera as he snapped a shot of his 4 grown children. He said "I have some good looking kids". I'd been away for so long, too long. I've missed everyone immensely.

Grandpa, you had a tough life. But you made it good. You made everything good. I see your eyes sparkling and I can hear your laugh. I can still see you dancing all around and listening to that old radio you always had playing. Thankyou for your love, your time. Thankyou for your stubborness and your strong will, your grouchiness, your understanding. You had what it took to make it work Grandpa. You'll aways remain very much a part of me. Your legacy lives on...it's love.

It's My Nature

It's My Nature to-

Hold everything in.
Wear a smile when I'm not feelin' it.
Be over-sensitive.
Fiercely protect.
Be easily misunderstood.
Worry about things out of my control.
Worry about things in my control.
Seek approval.
Exagerate.
Love.
Nurture.
Edit my words.
Over-analyze.
Say the wrong thing.
Piss people off.
Unintentionally push people away.
Believe in the power of positive thinking.
Make people laugh.
Smile.
Get too involved.
Over-extend myself.
Care about appearance.
Lose track.
Organize.
Alter negative thoughts.
Self-improve.


Looking at some of these things listed close together, seem like oxy-morons. It's true to me though. I was trying to force another blog, but kept editing. It didn't feel right. But writing this list was humbling, true, and freeing....

Just the beginning of my beautiful journey...

I've been pondering a lot of things about life lately. I'm definitely transitioning into a new chapter of my life with my eldest child turning 16. I know this didn't happen overnight, but sometimes it feels like it! Time just flits right by, as I sit here watching. I start looking back in time, where this journey began. Thinking back to the night I went to the hospital, feeling my first twitch of a contraction really. I had it all so well planned. That 6 weeks of La Maze was sure to pay off! I'd find my focal point and ignore the pain, mind over matter. Ha! The plan changed quickly as the book was tossed out the window and I was grasping for what felt like survival at that point. 21 1/2 painstaking hours later, I met her. She was amazing from the first moment that she entered our world and took her first breath. Upon her exhale she put energy back into the room, back into me. All of the pain, all of the waiting, all of life prior to this moment became somewhat irrelevant. She brought with her a new way of doing things. As I quickly learned while in labor, there wasn't a plan book. No rule book. No one way of doing things. I found my way, through her. I watched her for hours. Just looking at her in all amazement and wonder. Wondering mostly what will she do next? What will I do? My life revolved around this miraculous little being. When will she poop, when will she eat? Surely she didn't do these things when I deemed appropriate. She marched to the beat of her own drum and I followed. It's funny to think back about all these little things from her first moments, she was already HER. Not much has changed. Her light shines brightly. I marvel at her inner brightness that just beams from her. Speechlessly, she makes her impression. She's already had quite the impact. As I attempt to look forward into the future, I'm filled with such mixed emotions. Anxiety, confidence, worry, hope. It is bittersweet, for sure, watching your children grow. Halie Morgan, my first born, my first everything, the beginning of my life's journey. What a wonderful place to start at. This has been the best experience ever. Such a cliche' way to put such a marvelous, miraculous, monumental experience. The BEST! That simply sums it up. The rest is still unwritten...

Life, Liberty and The Pursuit of...BLISS! Not to be confused with perfection.

Okay- typically speaking, the famous phrase in the Declaration of Independence, "Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness". Which is said to have been paraphrased from an original work of John Locke. In my own personal pursuit of happiness, I stumbled upon some interesting findings. More on this later...

First, let's define happiness. According to the Noah Webster's 1828- HAP'PINESS, n. The agreeable sensations which spring from the enjoyment of good; that state of a being in which his desires are gratified, by an enjoyment of pleasure without pain; felicity; but happiness usually expresses less than felicity, and felicity less than bliss. Ah-ha! What better than happiness? BLISS! Although, realistically speaking bliss is not a feeling that can be enjoyed constantly, so I guess I can settle for a state of mere happiness with peaks of bliss.

Lately, I've experienced some moments that can be described as a state of less than happiness. What do we name those moments? I do not wish to toss a negative term out there, let's keep this blog clean. There will be no pollution found here, to distract from the point at hand- happiness. I have had some reflective time today to think about my past week, month, 2 months! The amount of time my husband has been in Alaska. 2 months now. Ugh, I can't lie - it's been rough. Enough said. So, during my reflective time I am pondering happiness. What does it mean to experience and enjoy it? What does it take to GET it? I think that's just it, many people just don't GET it! I refuse to be one in that number. In my own opinion, the key to happiness IS....(drumroll).... a simple change of perspective. Be positive, think positive, do positive = have positive. One cannot expect happiness at the moment of complaining. It's important to look within. Get to the heart of your discontentions - wait! Is that a word? Discontentness? Discontent. Point being, I've got to be real with myself. Having a few select, positive, trusted people in my life helps that tremendously. *key* I need to be able to make the call and spew my inner thoughts, just to be able to get to the root of the problem. Knowing when I make the call, MOST of my problem is my own skewed thinking. Don't get me wrong, I have happiness right here under my own roof, 24/7. An abundance of it! Sometimes it is blurred or polluted by my negative feelings at the moment. I am so thankful that my trusted sources are willing to help me sort things out. The change is astounding! I cannot tell you enough, it's almost instant. Just looking at a problem from a different angle changes so much. It's the whole "glass is half empty or half full" idea, taken to the extreme. Try it! But you have to go into it willing to accept a new idea. It's easy to dwell, feel sorry for yourself and whine about things. Sometimes I don't want to accept another's perspective simply because I want to continue the pity party. Go right on ahead. I guess it all depends on priorities. To me, happiness is a priority. While there are many other feelings that have their time and place, my ultimate goal in life is to enjoy happiness. There are always going to be a few bumps in the road- trust me I've driven the Yukon both in reality and in theory! Happiness and/or Bliss can be enjoyed on the bumpy roads, too. It's true what they say, you cannot give what you do not possess. That statement does not refer to material possessions in my book. My bottom line- Experience happiness and SPREAD IT!! Makes sense to me.

Gloom & Doom

Woke up to dark, gloomy rain clouds yet again! I am a creature who feeds on the sun. I tell ya, I can be in a total trance on a horrid wet day, the sun will peep through the clouds and it just shoots right through me and WAKES me up. In an instant! This week we are supposed to be getting back on track with school after a week of Spring Break. But the kids have a hard time even dragging out of bed. I allow them the extra time to sleep in, knowing that we're obviously not going outside today, and we have all day to do school. I can appreciate the occasional storm, especially when it's offering reflief from a streak of hot, dry weather. In that case, it's nice to open up a window and let the fresh rain scent waft through. Nothing like curling up on the sofa in lounge pants, under a soft blanket with a good book and a cup of tea! But there's nothing dreamy about it when it's been raining for days. I'm beginning to wonder if I should start building that ark soon...

Well, enough doddling for me. Time to face the gloom head on. After-all, it's only Tuesday!

My ironic new cake recipe...

I find the most ironic things occuring on a fairly regular basis. Recently I fell in love with Julia Child. After watching the movie- Julie & Julia, I began to realize how amazingly lovely Julia Child really was. I ordered up her old series on Netflix, and read her biography "My life in France". I have found that she is one of those people who- the more you know of them the more you like them and the more you want to find out! She was simply fascinating.

People who know me- know that I am pretty much food obsessed. (Now, if I could just break down and buy a treadmill...I think I could get the food and my figure to agree with one another.) Anyhow, I love food. I have purchased old cookbooks from garage sales, estate sales, ebay. I have new cookbooks, too. But, I do love the older "used" cookbooks more dearly. I love the thought of who they belonged to, if they belonged to a beloved wife or mother. Or, how many times she may have used the exact recipe and the people she served it to, with love. My favorite recipes are the ones that have notes scribed to them in messy hanwriting offering variations or substitutions. Or the recipes that have smudges of muffin batter. I know - I am crazy! Those things would probably gross most people out.

Anyhow- today I took out an old dessert cookbook to find a recipe for crepes- which we made for breakfast, yum! And then I left the cookbook lying on the ground. I asked Bradley to pick up the cookbook and put it away for me, when an old newspaper clipping fell to the ground and caught my eye. The headline read "French Chef branches out, goes American"!! Whoa! How exciting, a "new" article by Julia Child (actually this clipping is at least 30 years old) and it's a splendid new recipe for me to try, not published in any of her books.

Hows that for irony? Anyone up for "French Chocolate Cake"?