Dear Grandpa

Dear Grandpa,
I went home to visit the family recently. I know you were there. Walking around the house, I can still feel your presence everywhere. I couldn't wait for a chance to sneak off alone downstairs to see your chair. To anyone outside of the family that chair must look so out of place. Grandma's clean, pristine house and your old beat up, brown leather chair. I wonder how many times grandma may have tried to coax you into getting a new one. I just had to sit in it. Sitting in your chair remembering you. Feeling your greatness. The wonderful man you were. Some loved you, while others couldn't see past the grouchy old man you grew to be. Grandma has a framed picture of you on the entertainment center. You're about 10 years old, standing there tall and proud, at your fathers right hand. Also pictured is your mother, younger brother and 2 sisters. As I ask Grandma about the picture, I notice in great detail many things about the picture and your demeanor. I see your position in the family. Your mother is beautiful (and plump, though Grandma denies that). Grandma told me of the great, undying love you had for your mother and how she died when you were only 12. Your father took to the bottle after your mothers death was allowing the family to fall to pieces. He tried to send your sisters off and put you boys to work. But you, at age 12 stood firm on keeping your family together. You said "we'll suffer together". That's my grandpa!

I feel flooded with emotions. I've been spoiled. Grandpa, coming back to this place at 33 years of age, I found love. I feel so loved. I was blind to it before, probably because I was a spoiled brat. But, it's there. How could I have not seen it, felt it? You took me in with dad. You wouldn't have had it any other way. We belonged to you. I know now this stems from your childhood. I asked you so many times about your childhood, your past. You always said "the past is the past, you think about the future, kid".

Our family is like dysfunction 101. We fight, yell, scream and laugh (mostly at eachother). Yet, there is a deep rooted love that runs through each of us and somehow binds us. Grandma's eyes were filled with tears of joy to have us all over for dinner. Even dad! You should have seen his eyes light up. He was so full of pride standing behind that camera as he snapped a shot of his 4 grown children. He said "I have some good looking kids". I'd been away for so long, too long. I've missed everyone immensely.

Grandpa, you had a tough life. But you made it good. You made everything good. I see your eyes sparkling and I can hear your laugh. I can still see you dancing all around and listening to that old radio you always had playing. Thankyou for your love, your time. Thankyou for your stubborness and your strong will, your grouchiness, your understanding. You had what it took to make it work Grandpa. You'll aways remain very much a part of me. Your legacy lives on...it's love.

It's My Nature

It's My Nature to-

Hold everything in.
Wear a smile when I'm not feelin' it.
Be over-sensitive.
Fiercely protect.
Be easily misunderstood.
Worry about things out of my control.
Worry about things in my control.
Seek approval.
Exagerate.
Love.
Nurture.
Edit my words.
Over-analyze.
Say the wrong thing.
Piss people off.
Unintentionally push people away.
Believe in the power of positive thinking.
Make people laugh.
Smile.
Get too involved.
Over-extend myself.
Care about appearance.
Lose track.
Organize.
Alter negative thoughts.
Self-improve.


Looking at some of these things listed close together, seem like oxy-morons. It's true to me though. I was trying to force another blog, but kept editing. It didn't feel right. But writing this list was humbling, true, and freeing....

Just the beginning of my beautiful journey...

I've been pondering a lot of things about life lately. I'm definitely transitioning into a new chapter of my life with my eldest child turning 16. I know this didn't happen overnight, but sometimes it feels like it! Time just flits right by, as I sit here watching. I start looking back in time, where this journey began. Thinking back to the night I went to the hospital, feeling my first twitch of a contraction really. I had it all so well planned. That 6 weeks of La Maze was sure to pay off! I'd find my focal point and ignore the pain, mind over matter. Ha! The plan changed quickly as the book was tossed out the window and I was grasping for what felt like survival at that point. 21 1/2 painstaking hours later, I met her. She was amazing from the first moment that she entered our world and took her first breath. Upon her exhale she put energy back into the room, back into me. All of the pain, all of the waiting, all of life prior to this moment became somewhat irrelevant. She brought with her a new way of doing things. As I quickly learned while in labor, there wasn't a plan book. No rule book. No one way of doing things. I found my way, through her. I watched her for hours. Just looking at her in all amazement and wonder. Wondering mostly what will she do next? What will I do? My life revolved around this miraculous little being. When will she poop, when will she eat? Surely she didn't do these things when I deemed appropriate. She marched to the beat of her own drum and I followed. It's funny to think back about all these little things from her first moments, she was already HER. Not much has changed. Her light shines brightly. I marvel at her inner brightness that just beams from her. Speechlessly, she makes her impression. She's already had quite the impact. As I attempt to look forward into the future, I'm filled with such mixed emotions. Anxiety, confidence, worry, hope. It is bittersweet, for sure, watching your children grow. Halie Morgan, my first born, my first everything, the beginning of my life's journey. What a wonderful place to start at. This has been the best experience ever. Such a cliche' way to put such a marvelous, miraculous, monumental experience. The BEST! That simply sums it up. The rest is still unwritten...